***Disclaimer.***
My Pops grew up in a time where certain words and phrases were used and were not intended to be offensive or hateful, Sort of like Clint Eastwood's "Walt" character from Gran Torino. (Not as bad as Walt, though.) That said, keep in mind that he said certain things without malice or hatred, it is simply the way people of his generation spoke. The old man is very PC now, for the most part.
1. Al Donnelly on the fact that I drive his 1993 Ford Tempo to work every day. "That car is so small for you, you have to get out of it to change your mind."
2. On me wearing work boots: "You look like a walking contradiction."
3. When I was younger, I used to sleep late all the time. "You should get a job as a mattress tester."
4. On a visit to Trenton State College (Now College of NJ) the head coach was showing us around the weight room, and one of his players was there rehabbing his blown out knee. The player explained how he blew out his other knee the year before, and has since blown out his "good" knee. Trenton, being a division three school, does not offer scholarships for athletics. Al pulls me aside and says'" You wanna be 19 and have two bad knees and not even get them to pay for your college?" This ended any thoughts I had of playing ball in college.
5. At a wedding (Kat's) my father was in a hotel room partying with the rest of the Donnelly clan into the wee hours. A police officer knocked on the door, and asked to keep the noise down. My father said, "Who are you?" The cop said "Officer (Forget Name)." Al says,"Yeah, well I'm Captain Midnight. Take a hike!"
6. Every time we ordered Chinese food, Al would say, "The chinamen are laughing at us, you know." Not sure what he meant, but he always said it.
7. When I was a kid, I loved the show Diff'rent Strokes. Every time I had it on, Al would say, "Get this cutesy black shit off my TV." It wasn't the fact that Arnold and Willis were black, it was the corniness of the show he objected to.
8. Every time Dale came over the house he always went straight for the fridge. My father would tell him,"You're gonna get a sunburn from the light in the fridge, you're in it so much."
9. I started my college career at Kean University. My second semester, Minister Louis Farrakhan's top aide, Khalid Abdul Muhammad came to speak. He spewed forth all kinds of rascist comments. It was major news for a while. he decided that I should "Get out of that Goddamn school and transfer to Montclair State." I transferred the next semester and graduated in 98.
10. At a Halloween Party at my sister's house, some guy came dressed as a flasher with a fake penis and everything. He thought it would be funny to put the fake penis in my father's hand. My father got up and smiled at him. The guy could tell that he had offended Al, so he extended his hand in a peace offering. Al took his right hand, and then punched the guy in the face with his left. He later explained to me that he used his left because he "didn't want to kill him."
11. My father has leaned toward the Republican Party for most of his life. It came as a surprise this year when I asked him who he was voting for. He said,"The Black Guy." I asked him why, he said because Obama promised to end the war. He identifies with the kids in the service because most of them come from similar backgrounds as he did. Poor, working class people who don't have many options, and the service provides "three hots and a cot."
12. He never says his age without inserting the word Goddamn in the middle. Example: "I'm sixty-Goddamn-seven years old."
13. Don't eat his pretzels. EVER.
14. When I was a kid, I drank a lot of soda. My father said he was going to change my name to "Pshht." (the sound of a can being opened.)
15. One time, my father and Uncle John were up arguing after a night of drinking. They were probably fighting over who "Mom loved best." The argument got heated and and my father told his brother to meet him outside. John went out into the cold to wait so they could fight "like men." Al went to bed, laughing about what a fool his brother was for standing in the cold waiting for a fight that would never come.
16. My father taught me how to fight at a young age. He taught me how to fight the way he did growing up in the projects in Jersey City. The basic rules were, always throw the first punch, there is no such thing as a cheap shot, if there's is a group, punch the biggest one in the mouth right away. He then told me about the best cheap shot he ever saw. A guy at the truck yard threw his false teeth at his opponent, and when the other guy went to catch them, he popped him right in the mouth. Luckily for me, I have never had to use his lessons.
17. He always used to say of my friend Will, what if Will won't? It took me years to get that joke.
18. At another wedding (Ann's) my father got into an argument with the photographer, who was a good friend of the bride's. he had made some sort of racy remark to her, and she being his Goddaughter, had to be defended. He recruited me and the aforementioned Uncle John to find the photographer and "work him over." Luckily, someone told the guy to get lost for his own sake.
19. At all weddings, James Brown's "I Feel Good" must be played the moment my father has reached full intoxication.
20. His favorite story to tell when we would complain about not getting a toy or something we wanted was the one about his blocks. When he was a kid, the only toy he had was a set of wooden blocks. One cold night, his family ran out of fuel for the furnace. Guess what they threw in the furnace? I can hear the violins playing. (true story)
21. I had a mullet in High School. Some of you may remember. I thought I looked cool. Al always told me "I looked like a fag." (He was right. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
22. He comes across as such a tough, old school guy, which he is. But when my son was born, I was feeding him with the bottle in the hospital, and he leans over and says,"Hold the bottle right! He's gonna get gas and keep you up all Goddamn night!" What a tender moment.
23. Every time I see him, which is several times a week, he greets me with some sort of complaint. "Are you ever going to pickup that Goddamn dog shit on your lawn? What's the matter, you don't shovel the front walk? You need to salt the walk better than that. Your wife's pregnant with my granddaughter and she better not slip!" I do love the complaints. He is always right, but I am slow to act because I think I really love to hear the complaints.
24. On my wedding day, right after the ceremony, he leaned over to me and said,"That's the smartest thing you ever did."
25. I think it comes as no surprise for you to learn that Chuck Norris wears Al Donnelly pajamas!
I could go on, but I don't want to bore you all. Maybe I'll do a second list sometime. No need for you to do your own list. I just thought that I could definitely come up with a 25 Al Donnelly list, and wanted to share it.
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